Monday, December 14, 2015

{The Successful Person Box}

Boxes are fantastic. They separate the homework from the artwork, the socks from the underwear, and the Christmas decorations from the Easter. In my mind, they quite tidily keep hold each of my paradigms and dreams, available for me to access at all times. I have especially loved my When I Grow Up box -- it is really quite exciting and colorful, and I've been adding to and taking from it since infancy. Although I have stopped pulling out President of the United States and Restaurant Owner for many years, I love to pull out Homeschooler, and Stay at Home Mother at least once a day.

This weekend, however, I realized that I have been neglecting my favorite box. Instead, a new box has taken its place. It is covered with shiny gold paper, and it seems to promise fantastic treasures and happiness for every moment of the day.

This box is what I like to call the Successful Person box.

I first saw people using this box when I started attending public school in my junior year of high school. At first, I was a little confused and overwhelmed by the new box, but it looked bigger and prettier than my When I Grow Up box, which seemed old-fashioned in comparison. In the new box, careers and lifestyles were deemed successful by how much money and influence it carried. Get-rich-quick books were recommended. The only numbers that mattered were our IQ, GPA, and ACT score. But if these were high and your career was both influential and high on income, the box was yours. Everyone was after it, and so I started to go after it too. Nothing would satisfy me but the most successful test scores, and my reading time began to be focused on books in the Successful Person box. I didn't enjoy them much, but I was sure that I would achieve the happiness which the Successful Person box promised me.

Except... it didn't pay up. I couldn't understand it. All of my life I had been taught that imperfection was to be expected, that it was ok. But I began to doubt it. If I wasn't happy, it must be because I wasn't "successful" enough. I tried harder and harder, expecting more and more of myself. I stopped opening my When I Grow Up box -- trying to be successful was taking up too much time. Soon, it was more common for me to be tired than happy. I couldn't push myself any farther, and I started to believe that it was simply impossible for me to be successful.

I ended up graduating high school with the confident belief that I just couldn't be successful, and that reaching for the stars was quite foolish. I found the smallest, easiest-to-apply-to college that I could, decided to try for interior decorating for the sole reason that I'd only have to go to school for two years, and walked through life with my head hanging low.

I had reached adulthood, and I had no idea what I wanted to be.

At this point, I had hit rock bottom. And, as I had been taught since childhood, I hit it on my knees.

Dear Reader, prayer is a beautiful thing. The fact that I can talk with my Father in Heaven, an all-powerful, all-knowing God... It never ceases to amaze me. He is always there. I know this to be true. As I prayed, God began to take my life into his hands in a beautiful, painful way. 

First, he took the education plan I had carefully created and tossed it down the drain. He did the same to every new plan I made.

It hurt. I was confused. 

Then He told me not to go on an LDS mission yet, and I was released from my leadership calling in the LDS church.

It hurt. I was confused.

Every source of income I had fell through.

It hurt. I was confused.

In the course of just a few months, God stripped away every single "successful" part of my life.

Then He began to rebuild out of the rubble.

Frankly, it was -- and is -- a slow and painful work. There are still parts of me that are attracted to the shiny gold paper of the Successful Person box. However, I am rediscovering my When I Grow Up box. I have uncovered my love for teaching children and reading classics. After a season of waiting, I am now working on my mission papers, nervous and excited for a year and a half of service dedicated to my Lord and King -- my Savior, Jesus Christ. I have found that Faith is more important than Success, Hope is more important than Productivity, and Charity is more important than Influence. Because, in the end, these are what bring us back to our Father in Heaven.

And that, Dear Reader, is the most beautiful success of all.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

5 Falsehoods I Believed About Depression

I'm new to depression. I had few to no problems with it until I was 15, and even then it wasn't bad until I ran away from home. However, even with returning home and completing therapy, it is now a very real part of my life. In my experience and studies I have been able to identify and refute five lies I sincerely bought into both before and during my struggles with depression. I still fall into these traps, but knowing that they are there has truly changed my life.

1 
False: You Ought To Be Able To Function -- This Isn't As Hard As You're Making It

Whenever I get hit with a really bad episode of depression, tasks as simple as responding to texts and phone calls, mustering the courage to get out of bed, and finding food to eat can feel hopelessly difficult. It is too easy to buy into the lie, whether it comes from myself or from others, that I must be a lazy, good-for-nothing slug since I'm not accomplishing the tasks I feel I ought to be able to achieve. The fact is, this is simply not true.

True: Functioning While Depressed Is Hard -- I Can Love Myself

The simple truth of it is that depression stinks. It's hard. And that's ok. Don't allow the difficulty of the depression to cloud your opinion of your self-worth. When I realize that Satan is using this lie, it often helps to just sit down in a private place for a second and tell myself out loud "Mary, this is hard, this stinks, and you feel like you're in a rut. That's ok. I love you." Getting the lie out of the head and the truth into the open truly does wonders.

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2
False: Fighting To Overcome Is Too Hard -- It Would Be Easier For You To Stay Depressed

Now that I've told you that fighting is hard, and that this is ok, I'm going to address the other extreme; that of allowing the difficulty of depression to cause you to give up hope. The fact of the matter is that depression is comfortable. It is comfortable in a terrible-dark-clingy-blanket-that-won't-let-go kind of way. And to me, as I look at a day where I know every decision to accomplish something will be a battle, it is so much easier to live in the moping -- to give up. To stay in bed all day and allow my mind to go blank. However, I want to let you know with love and hope that you are worth the fight!!

True: I Am Worth The Fight -- Joy Is Worth It

Your case is not hopeless; no, far from it! There is happiness, right here, for you. Yes, it's going to take some serious fighting to get to it. But you are worth it. You are worth working and fighting to feel happy. And the joy you are achieving is so much more fulfilling and glorious than anything that clingy blanket can bring you. It's a choice, a work in progress, a battle. And you are worth it!

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3
False: You Must Protect Those You Love From The Burden You Carry -- You Will Make Them Hurt By Exposing Yourself To Them

Depression stinks. It hurts, and that's the honest truth of it. I don't want to share that with other people! They'll worry, and then I'll worry, and maybe it would be better if I just handled this myself...

True: They Are There For Me -- My Experiences Will Bless Their Lives

This lie is a killer! A lie that will completely and effectively isolate you from all the people God is lovingly providing for you to receive help from. It is true that depression hurts. It is also true that you are of infinite worth. And it is true that these people love you dearly. God placed us on an earth filled with people for a reason -- He intends for us to support each other, to help and to receive help from those around us. Do not rob them of the opportunity to care for someone they love. Many times they will leap at the chance to comfort and support. 

Prayerfully find a group of people (family, friends, church leaders) whom you trust, and humbly ask for their help. It may take time, but God will guide you to earthly angels who will support you in your efforts to overcome your struggles. Have hope! They will thank you for sharing your experience and lessons with them. It is truly an amazing blessing to be a part of the life of someone who is struggling and fighting with depression.

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4
False: Taking Care Of Yourself Isn't Worth The Effort

Already, without Satan's help, the first things to go when I hit a rut are my habits of personal care. Exercise, healthy eating, healthy sleeping, showering and making myself look clean and pretty, taking vitamins, staying hydrated -- all of these go out the window and are replaced with the mentality that it really isn't worth the effort. These habits are, ironically, the very things which help me to climb out of and keep out of the rut, and so Satan tries to distract us from them. All of my focus turns to finding something to distract me from life: sweets, sleeping in, never going outside my room, chick flicks... Anything to make me forget the misery of the moment. 

True: Taking Care Of Myself Is Of Utmost Importance

Similar to the ten virgins spoken about in the bible, we must be sure to make the time to fill our lamps with physical health as well as spirituality. It is not something we can borrow from someone else. Figure out what is within your capabilities, and ask for help if you need it. Just this past Sunday night, depression hit me hard, and I recognized that it would not be easy to get up the next morning. Quickly, I texted my friend, who offered to give me a quick, two minute call the next morning, just to help me to get up and going. She did (bless her!), and it made a world of difference in my morning. Similarly, I talk with my grandmother fairly often, and she lovingly checks in to see if I'm taking my vitamin supplements and eating regularly. Experiment and find out with small steps what helps you stay healthy and on track!

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5
False: You've Gone Too Far -- It's Too Late For You Now

I remember, after a long day struggling with a particularly bad case of depression, I had finally found the motivation to make dinner for my family and do the laundry. Once I had finished, I had a choice. I could stay downstairs with the family, eat dinner in the healing atmosphere, and continue on the uphill climb, or I could go back upstairs and lock myself away, as I had done all day. I looked at the time. It wasn't all that late -- there were still a few hours I could spend with them. But, really, that isn't a lot of time. Yes... best to try again tomorrow. There is not enough time tonight to really put forth a fight. It's too late today. I climbed up the stairs, climbed under the covers, and went blank.

True: There Is Always Hope For Me -- Now Is Always The Perfect Time For Me To Heal

The lie of it being "Too Late" seems to be one of Satan's favorites for almost everything. Addiction, abuse, depression, sin; it doesn't seem to matter in what realm of mistakes we may have drifted to. Satan will invariably try to convince us that there is not enough time for healing, repentance, and joy, so why try? The truth is that God provides a way. He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to do the impossible, and to bring us hopelessly flawed individuals hope -- even in the very last hour.

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6
False: You Are A Monster -- This Is Who You Are

Of all the lies Satan tells us, I have found this to be the most ugly and harmful. To identify with something as debilitating and dark as depression will surely douse any hope. For if this is who I am, then I am the opposite of happiness, and am unable and undeserving to feel any happiness. This, above all, is false.

True: I Am A Child Of God -- This Is For My Sake

We are children of a loving Heavenly Father who has blessed us with weakness so that we might become like Him through the fires of refinement. Our nature is divine, and deserving of happiness as we obey God's commandments. We are not our experiences. We are divine. 
And this, above all, is true.

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Comment below on what the experience of depression has taught you!