Monday, December 14, 2015

{The Successful Person Box}

Boxes are fantastic. They separate the homework from the artwork, the socks from the underwear, and the Christmas decorations from the Easter. In my mind, they quite tidily keep hold each of my paradigms and dreams, available for me to access at all times. I have especially loved my When I Grow Up box -- it is really quite exciting and colorful, and I've been adding to and taking from it since infancy. Although I have stopped pulling out President of the United States and Restaurant Owner for many years, I love to pull out Homeschooler, and Stay at Home Mother at least once a day.

This weekend, however, I realized that I have been neglecting my favorite box. Instead, a new box has taken its place. It is covered with shiny gold paper, and it seems to promise fantastic treasures and happiness for every moment of the day.

This box is what I like to call the Successful Person box.

I first saw people using this box when I started attending public school in my junior year of high school. At first, I was a little confused and overwhelmed by the new box, but it looked bigger and prettier than my When I Grow Up box, which seemed old-fashioned in comparison. In the new box, careers and lifestyles were deemed successful by how much money and influence it carried. Get-rich-quick books were recommended. The only numbers that mattered were our IQ, GPA, and ACT score. But if these were high and your career was both influential and high on income, the box was yours. Everyone was after it, and so I started to go after it too. Nothing would satisfy me but the most successful test scores, and my reading time began to be focused on books in the Successful Person box. I didn't enjoy them much, but I was sure that I would achieve the happiness which the Successful Person box promised me.

Except... it didn't pay up. I couldn't understand it. All of my life I had been taught that imperfection was to be expected, that it was ok. But I began to doubt it. If I wasn't happy, it must be because I wasn't "successful" enough. I tried harder and harder, expecting more and more of myself. I stopped opening my When I Grow Up box -- trying to be successful was taking up too much time. Soon, it was more common for me to be tired than happy. I couldn't push myself any farther, and I started to believe that it was simply impossible for me to be successful.

I ended up graduating high school with the confident belief that I just couldn't be successful, and that reaching for the stars was quite foolish. I found the smallest, easiest-to-apply-to college that I could, decided to try for interior decorating for the sole reason that I'd only have to go to school for two years, and walked through life with my head hanging low.

I had reached adulthood, and I had no idea what I wanted to be.

At this point, I had hit rock bottom. And, as I had been taught since childhood, I hit it on my knees.

Dear Reader, prayer is a beautiful thing. The fact that I can talk with my Father in Heaven, an all-powerful, all-knowing God... It never ceases to amaze me. He is always there. I know this to be true. As I prayed, God began to take my life into his hands in a beautiful, painful way. 

First, he took the education plan I had carefully created and tossed it down the drain. He did the same to every new plan I made.

It hurt. I was confused. 

Then He told me not to go on an LDS mission yet, and I was released from my leadership calling in the LDS church.

It hurt. I was confused.

Every source of income I had fell through.

It hurt. I was confused.

In the course of just a few months, God stripped away every single "successful" part of my life.

Then He began to rebuild out of the rubble.

Frankly, it was -- and is -- a slow and painful work. There are still parts of me that are attracted to the shiny gold paper of the Successful Person box. However, I am rediscovering my When I Grow Up box. I have uncovered my love for teaching children and reading classics. After a season of waiting, I am now working on my mission papers, nervous and excited for a year and a half of service dedicated to my Lord and King -- my Savior, Jesus Christ. I have found that Faith is more important than Success, Hope is more important than Productivity, and Charity is more important than Influence. Because, in the end, these are what bring us back to our Father in Heaven.

And that, Dear Reader, is the most beautiful success of all.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

5 Falsehoods I Believed About Depression

I'm new to depression. I had few to no problems with it until I was 15, and even then it wasn't bad until I ran away from home. However, even with returning home and completing therapy, it is now a very real part of my life. In my experience and studies I have been able to identify and refute five lies I sincerely bought into both before and during my struggles with depression. I still fall into these traps, but knowing that they are there has truly changed my life.

1 
False: You Ought To Be Able To Function -- This Isn't As Hard As You're Making It

Whenever I get hit with a really bad episode of depression, tasks as simple as responding to texts and phone calls, mustering the courage to get out of bed, and finding food to eat can feel hopelessly difficult. It is too easy to buy into the lie, whether it comes from myself or from others, that I must be a lazy, good-for-nothing slug since I'm not accomplishing the tasks I feel I ought to be able to achieve. The fact is, this is simply not true.

True: Functioning While Depressed Is Hard -- I Can Love Myself

The simple truth of it is that depression stinks. It's hard. And that's ok. Don't allow the difficulty of the depression to cloud your opinion of your self-worth. When I realize that Satan is using this lie, it often helps to just sit down in a private place for a second and tell myself out loud "Mary, this is hard, this stinks, and you feel like you're in a rut. That's ok. I love you." Getting the lie out of the head and the truth into the open truly does wonders.

More Help: 


2
False: Fighting To Overcome Is Too Hard -- It Would Be Easier For You To Stay Depressed

Now that I've told you that fighting is hard, and that this is ok, I'm going to address the other extreme; that of allowing the difficulty of depression to cause you to give up hope. The fact of the matter is that depression is comfortable. It is comfortable in a terrible-dark-clingy-blanket-that-won't-let-go kind of way. And to me, as I look at a day where I know every decision to accomplish something will be a battle, it is so much easier to live in the moping -- to give up. To stay in bed all day and allow my mind to go blank. However, I want to let you know with love and hope that you are worth the fight!!

True: I Am Worth The Fight -- Joy Is Worth It

Your case is not hopeless; no, far from it! There is happiness, right here, for you. Yes, it's going to take some serious fighting to get to it. But you are worth it. You are worth working and fighting to feel happy. And the joy you are achieving is so much more fulfilling and glorious than anything that clingy blanket can bring you. It's a choice, a work in progress, a battle. And you are worth it!

More Help: 


3
False: You Must Protect Those You Love From The Burden You Carry -- You Will Make Them Hurt By Exposing Yourself To Them

Depression stinks. It hurts, and that's the honest truth of it. I don't want to share that with other people! They'll worry, and then I'll worry, and maybe it would be better if I just handled this myself...

True: They Are There For Me -- My Experiences Will Bless Their Lives

This lie is a killer! A lie that will completely and effectively isolate you from all the people God is lovingly providing for you to receive help from. It is true that depression hurts. It is also true that you are of infinite worth. And it is true that these people love you dearly. God placed us on an earth filled with people for a reason -- He intends for us to support each other, to help and to receive help from those around us. Do not rob them of the opportunity to care for someone they love. Many times they will leap at the chance to comfort and support. 

Prayerfully find a group of people (family, friends, church leaders) whom you trust, and humbly ask for their help. It may take time, but God will guide you to earthly angels who will support you in your efforts to overcome your struggles. Have hope! They will thank you for sharing your experience and lessons with them. It is truly an amazing blessing to be a part of the life of someone who is struggling and fighting with depression.

More Help: 


4
False: Taking Care Of Yourself Isn't Worth The Effort

Already, without Satan's help, the first things to go when I hit a rut are my habits of personal care. Exercise, healthy eating, healthy sleeping, showering and making myself look clean and pretty, taking vitamins, staying hydrated -- all of these go out the window and are replaced with the mentality that it really isn't worth the effort. These habits are, ironically, the very things which help me to climb out of and keep out of the rut, and so Satan tries to distract us from them. All of my focus turns to finding something to distract me from life: sweets, sleeping in, never going outside my room, chick flicks... Anything to make me forget the misery of the moment. 

True: Taking Care Of Myself Is Of Utmost Importance

Similar to the ten virgins spoken about in the bible, we must be sure to make the time to fill our lamps with physical health as well as spirituality. It is not something we can borrow from someone else. Figure out what is within your capabilities, and ask for help if you need it. Just this past Sunday night, depression hit me hard, and I recognized that it would not be easy to get up the next morning. Quickly, I texted my friend, who offered to give me a quick, two minute call the next morning, just to help me to get up and going. She did (bless her!), and it made a world of difference in my morning. Similarly, I talk with my grandmother fairly often, and she lovingly checks in to see if I'm taking my vitamin supplements and eating regularly. Experiment and find out with small steps what helps you stay healthy and on track!

More Help:


5
False: You've Gone Too Far -- It's Too Late For You Now

I remember, after a long day struggling with a particularly bad case of depression, I had finally found the motivation to make dinner for my family and do the laundry. Once I had finished, I had a choice. I could stay downstairs with the family, eat dinner in the healing atmosphere, and continue on the uphill climb, or I could go back upstairs and lock myself away, as I had done all day. I looked at the time. It wasn't all that late -- there were still a few hours I could spend with them. But, really, that isn't a lot of time. Yes... best to try again tomorrow. There is not enough time tonight to really put forth a fight. It's too late today. I climbed up the stairs, climbed under the covers, and went blank.

True: There Is Always Hope For Me -- Now Is Always The Perfect Time For Me To Heal

The lie of it being "Too Late" seems to be one of Satan's favorites for almost everything. Addiction, abuse, depression, sin; it doesn't seem to matter in what realm of mistakes we may have drifted to. Satan will invariably try to convince us that there is not enough time for healing, repentance, and joy, so why try? The truth is that God provides a way. He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to do the impossible, and to bring us hopelessly flawed individuals hope -- even in the very last hour.

More Help: 


6
False: You Are A Monster -- This Is Who You Are

Of all the lies Satan tells us, I have found this to be the most ugly and harmful. To identify with something as debilitating and dark as depression will surely douse any hope. For if this is who I am, then I am the opposite of happiness, and am unable and undeserving to feel any happiness. This, above all, is false.

True: I Am A Child Of God -- This Is For My Sake

We are children of a loving Heavenly Father who has blessed us with weakness so that we might become like Him through the fires of refinement. Our nature is divine, and deserving of happiness as we obey God's commandments. We are not our experiences. We are divine. 
And this, above all, is true.

Lots More Help: 

Comment below on what the experience of depression has taught you!

Sunday, November 22, 2015

"How Are The Troops?"

I have a friend who surely must have been a general in the life before this. Although he is not currently serving our country in the U.S. Armed Forces, he knows more about battle tactics and how to disarm the enemy both physically and psychologically than almost anyone I know. He recently returned from Ghana, Africa, where he had served an ecclesiastical mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for two years. The dangerous and primitive lifestyle was absolutely perfect for him. When he came back, we saw each other a few times, and after most of the awkwardness had worn off, he came up to me and asked me a question that threw me completely off balance.

"How are the troops?"

My family. I scrambled for words, trying to find something optimistic to say.

"They're doing great," I said with a weak smile. That was all I could manage before I stepped away and found a deep couch corner to hide my confused and befuddled mind in.

Truly, my family is doing well. We certainly are in the tough middle of bringing together two very different families, but all things considered, we are doing well. So why was it so hard to answer my friend's question?

Thinking about my strange emotional response later, I realized something that I had been unconsciously dealing with ever since the marriage of my mother.

These were no longer my troops.

All my life, my family has been my central focus. Being the oldest child of an LDS, homeschooling family, my social, religious, and work life have all been completely family oriented. Add to that the unstable first marriage of my mom, and I became the second mother. It isn't uncommon to find in situations like mine; that's just the way it was. I was fiercely loyal to my family, and would do anything for them, particularly my youngest siblings. I loved them all dearly, and was there for them, comforting, teaching, nurturing, protecting, and housekeeping. Granted, as I entered my teens, I began to find that there was a life outside of my family, and I wasn't at home as much. However, I was still in my position at mother's right hand, and had responsibilities and obligations which fell under such a role. When things got really bad between my parents, I was there, holding my terrified siblings, reassuring them that all would be well, knowing in my heart that a marriage such as this one couldn't last, and silently fearing what would happen when the inevitable divorce finally came. But I was always there for them. And they always needed me.

Until now.

My mother has now left her first, unhealthy marriage and has recently married a hardworking man of God in the temple. He has taken his position as man of the household with complete capability and love, providing the balance the family needs to be whole. God brought to pass a marvelous work and a wonder with this family when He guided my mother to be re-married. There is no need for the kids to be parents anymore. I am no longer the head of my troops. So... Now, what am I?

What does a retired captain even do?

When I first lost what had been my main purpose for so long, it was jarring. I began sleeping in later and later. I stopped eating much, unless it was convenient and easy to grab. Then, one day, I never got up. I wasn't sick, lame, or disabled. I simply had no desire to live life that day. I didn't want to die or anything. I just had no interest in life. I truly believed that there was no-one who needed me to keep living life. No-one to improve for.

And then I remembered my future kids.

Ever since I was young, I have looked forward to the children I would bear and raise. Sometimes, I think I can feel them here with me, waiting for me to be ready to bring them down to earth. If there is anyone who is worth living the fullest, best life I possibly can, they are the ones.

I am still not quite sure who I am, nor have I figured out what my role is in this world. However, I now have a focal point, a vision of where I want to get to, and that makes all the difference. It is most definitely not the perfect focal point. It will most likely evolve to one more whole and refined as time moves on, but for now, my future children are the reason I get out of bed every morning. It is a small but life-saving step.

So thank you, dear friend, for your question. You may never know what you have done, but I am sincerely grateful for your strange choice of words. Maybe there is still some work for this young retired captain, and maybe, just maybe, she will find herself back out on that battlefield.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Moral Vertigo

This is a speech I gave for the Wasatch Homeschool Debate League. For more information on this debate league, visit their site: www.wasatchdebate.org

Imagine with me that we are in a classroom -- very similar to this very room. The students trickle in, joking and laughing together, sitting in their seats as the bell rings. The teacher comes to the front of the classroom and asks -- as many teachers do -- “Are there any questions about the homework? Remember, there are no wrong questions!”
Now, as much as I love puppies, apple pie, school teachers, and the American way, I’m afraid I am going to have to trample on the sacred cow of elementary schools everywhere. There are, in fact, wrong questions.
Let me explain through a story. As I do so, listen for the wrong questions I speak of. In Leo Tolstoy’s novel, Anna Karenina, we watch the decline of a morally upstanding young woman -- Anna. It started with Vronsky. Anna had traveled to the city, leaving her husband and child at home, to counsel with a relative of hers, meeting Vronsky on the way. The moment Vronsky saw Anna, a passionate fire was sparked from within. Vronsky lived a life very different from Anna. He had long ago answered the question “Are affairs with women socially acceptable?” in the affirmative, and lived his life accordingly.
And so he pursued Anna, despite her longstanding and healthy marriage, and so began Anna’s downfall. Although Anna repulsed his affections at first, she asked herself at a ball she innocently attended “Would it be offensive to refuse a dance?” And so the night was spent twirling in his arms. Husband and child were miles away, and the only thing before her eyes was Vronsky -- charming, young, attentive Vronsky.
Later that evening, Vronsky was no longer there, and Anna felt a vague discomfort with her standing in the world. However, as she thought back on the evening, she began again to question herself. She thought to herself: Was there anything I actually did that was out of place? Why should I feel guilt for being kind to a young man? However, so was her state, and so her state continued to be as she left the next morning on the train, and eventually greeted her husband at the station. Again, when she saw her husband, she began to question -- a simple question, but with a hidden, rotten, center.
Listen: "Oh, mercy!” she thought, “why do his ears look like that?"
A simple question indeed. However, his ears had never before attracted her attention to such an extent. At this moment, coming back from Vronsky’s avid attention, her husband’s unsatisfactory ears were all she could see.
Now it may not seem that there is anything wrong with these questions. However, the problem here is not so much that which is being asked as that which is not being asked.
Let me explain. One of my favorite books is titled The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis. In this book, His Abysmal Sublimity Screwtape, Under Secretary of the Satanic Lowerarchy, explains one of the great triumphs of temptation achieved in the modern age to a lesser devil named Wormwood. This triumph has everything to do with the questions we -- the human race -- ask. He says, quote: “[M]an ... doesn't think of doctrines as primarily "true" or "false," but as "academic" or "practical," "outworn" or "contemporary," "conventional" or "ruthless." Jargon, not argument, is your best ally in keeping him from the Church. Don't waste time trying to make him think that materialism is true! Make him think it is strong or stark or courageous—that it is the philosophy of the future. That's the sort of thing he cares about.” Unquote.
Truly, when we ask "is this popular", we will find our popular answer. When we ask "is this practical", we will again find the practical answer. However, the right answer will be nowhere to be found. For how can we find the right answer when we do not ask “Is this right?” This absence of asking the right question is called MORAL VERTIGO.
Let me explain through an example. When flying crazy patterns in the sky, airplane pilots must be very careful. During this time of twisting and turning, up and down change so often that they can become disoriented, and lose track of directions. They must constantly be asking “Where is up? Where is down? Where is North?” To forget to ask these questions is to fly themselves and their plane straight into ruin. This directional confusion created when the pilot forgets to ask these questions is known as vertigo, and if the pilot does not take care to reorient himself, he could very well crash into the ground, completely convinced that it is, in fact, the sky.
So it is with morality. Our moral airplanes, so to speak, have a constant need of reorientation. However, if we ask the question of... open-mindedness, rather than the question of right and wrong, we will lose track of our directions and our plane.
Now-a-days, we have plenty of planes in varying stages of moral vertigo. One example is the Boy Scouts of America. BSA receives funding from many different sources, providing many boys with the opportunity to improve themselves, and gain a good education. However, according to USA Today News, Disney has withdrawn their monetary support because of their policy to not allow gay troop leaders. In addition, Boy Scouts of America have also felt social pressures to accept gay boys into their troops, and, as of last year, gave in to the pressure and officially allowed them to be accepted. What is sad is not that they decided to support gay rights. I am not addressing that issue today. What is sad is that they asked the wrong questions. Questions of profit, peace, and progressiveness were asked, rather than questions of right and wrong. If this decision were right, it would have been right before the public began to press them to change. And if it was the wrong decision it would have been the wrong decision regardless of any amount of social pressure. The pressure of society plays no role in the position of morality, however, it definitely played a role in the decision of Boy Scouts of America.
In contrast, let me tell you of Sir Thomas More -- a man of firm morality in a time when morality was far from popular. At this time, King Henry the eighth was king, and --simply put -- he wanted to be divorced. Divorce was against the law of God, as known within the Catholic church, and by all the officers in the court, including the king. However, as it happened, More was the only one who stayed by his knowledge of that which was right. Goodness is to evil like a terrible cancer is to us. There is always the fear that the goodness will destroy them -- for -- if it holds strong, it will. So it was with More. First, it was the king who pressured him to tolerate his need -- but not much, feeling guilty, and knowing More’s character to be a good one. However, the king’s officers had no such guilt, and so pressured More even further. Desperately, they sought to find him in one illegal or evil act -- even an act of shallowness or dependence. However, More was good to his core, and they could find nothing against him. They tried conversation over dinner. They tried spies. They tried threats. They tried imprisonment. But not once did Sir Thomas More step back from what he knew was right, or even speak evil against the king. And so, desperate, they fabricated a story in which Sir Thomas More spoke out against the king. They brought him to court, called upon a false witness, and condemned him to death. Even when condemned, Sir Thomas More stood firm, and he stood at the execution block with a sure knowledge that God was pleased with him. Truly, this man had asked the question “Is this right? Or is this wrong?”
As I conclude, let us finish the story we started with. Anna Karenina soon left her husband, and became the mistress of this dashing officer. However, this life did not give her the joy she sought. The question “Why am I not happy” filled her life, until, in the end, it drove her to suicide.
Now, I have one last question for you. It is simple, but it is essential. Which questions will you ask? Thank you for your time.

Unwanted Attentions

Tuesday and Wednesday I was attending a workshop which lasted all day. I learned a ton, and -- for the most part -- really enjoyed myself. It was composed of a small group, no more than six people, which really helped me to get to know the other attendees better. The simple fact of the matter is that I really enjoy more intimate circles, so that I can hear the life stories of those around me.
Well.
The second day, some strange things began to happen. I walked in, and one of the older men had taken the seat I had sat in the day before. No big deal -- I sat somewhere else. However, the man immediately stood up and left his seat, moving to the chair right next to mine.
Dear Reader. This man had to be in his fifties. I honestly felt a little creeped out. However, I assured myself that everything was fine.
Throughout the workshop, he kept -- very awkwardly, mind you -- randomly giving me advice. Such as imagining the people with whom I feel nervous in their underwear. Well. Thank you sir.
<<cue desperate prayer for deliverance>>
Finally, the day wound down to a close, and I stood up and left ASAP, heading for the restroom.
Dear Reader, this man waited for me, oh so patiently, to return, and called after me as I raced down the stairs.
I'd like to say that I was polite, and that I stopped to listen to him. But I just kept walking down those stairs, wincing as he shouted after me how I was just so cheery and positive and full of life as he tried the best he could to keep up with me...Would you look at the time! Thank you so much for your kindness. I hope you find employment soon. Goodbye!!
<<cue purposeful businesswoman walk that implies I'm late for a meeting as I desperately put as much distance as possible between him and me>>
I think it may be time for me to invest in some good ol' pepper spray, don't you think?

The Skill of Walking

Two things you should know before I begin my story. First, through an often dry irrigation ditch in between houses, a friend and I can reach the other's home relatively quickly, and we use this route often. Second, my right ankle is currently very weak from having sprained it in one of my more clumsy moments.
So there I was, about to go back home with my friend through the ditch, in the dark, wearing perilous heels. I hesitated.
"Lyssa, I don't think I can walk in..."
KAPOW!!
Never has there been a more ironic or more quickly fulfilled prophecy than that statement.
Lyssa looked down at me, sprawled all over her completely-safe-to-walk-across-unless-you-have-my-skills front yard.
"Nope. You definitely can't walk."
We spent the next ten minutes laughing hysterically at my superb grace. You have permission to laugh as well.

One Wilted Rose

Dear Reader, sometimes there is nothing more alarming or awkward than one wilted rose.
A while back, I was getting ready for YSA FHE (young single adult family home evening), and my sister came up to my room to tell me someone was here for me. I was super confused -- my ride wasn't supposed to be here for another half hour. So, after some intense scrambling and mascara application, I rushed down the stairs, only to stop very abruptly in my living room entrance. The person sitting in my living room was not my ride. We shall call him Joe. I know him as a distant acquaintance, and I see him around fairly frequently. He was awkwardly sitting on our piano bench, obviously out of his element. I awkwardly welcomed him, and -- curiosity bursting out my ears -- asked him what in the world he was doing here?? Suddenly, I found the most wilted rose I've ever seen thrust in my face.
This terribly awkward, polite young gentleman had biked all the way to my house in the dark to offer me this sad rose. I can honestly say that I've never been more surprised in my life! I awkwardly thanked him for the rose, holding it as best I could so as to prevent the petals from falling off completely, and he informed me that he had found it in a pile of trash he had been raking up, and thought of me.
I had positively no idea what to say to that. So I swallowed, thanked him again as best I could, and asked him how life was. My mother looked at us, silently shouting at me with ferocious eyebrow movements that we needed to get started with FHE, and what in the world was this young man doing here?
Well. I scrambled for something to to converse about, to somehow regain control of the situation. He mentioned dinner, and I remarked that we had just finished. Then we sat there.
Wise men have said that silence is golden. But at this moment, the only gold I found in the situation was what I'd pay to get out of it.
Finally, after receiving some frantic eyebrow-messages from my mother, I awkwardly informed him that we were just about to start FHE. He awkwardly replied that he'd better let us do that, and get going. But as he was walking out the door, he paused.  
What now? I thought. Can this get any more awkward?
Dear Reader, there is always something more awkward.
He the proceeded to ask me out, "since he was already here."
Um.
Sure?
I grasped for some kind of saving rope, and went through the routine questions: when and where and such.
He didn't know.
Chuckling nervously, I told him to message me when he knew, and after a couple more awkward words of conversation, he left to bike all the way home, by himself, in the dark.
I still haven't recovered. But as far as I know, from the letter and chocolate he brought me afterwards, he enjoyed himself very much.